What the Rabbi Saw by Billy Van Zandt and Jane Milmore April/May 2005 Greetings and salutations, you’re invited to the most disastrously hilarious wedding of the century. The Waldorf Astoria will never be the same once the Kirschenbaum wedding party arrives. If they’re not having an affair, inebriated, toting a gun, or missing their pants... then they probably didn’t make the guest list. But the wedding party is turned upside-down when the groom fancies the maid of honor and bride has eyes for the best man. This slapstick farce features a zany cast of characters including an intimidating wedding coordinator, a blowhard father-of-the-bride with eyes for the breathy temptress of a wedding singer, her macho gun-toting boyfriend and a loopy Rabbi who can't quite seem to sober up...other than that it should be a nice affair.

What the Rabbi Saw poster

Silly Fun

by Jeff Roby

An acid-peeling blinding spotlight hits a mysterious creature at the top of castle stairs, wearing fuzzy pink slippers, bathrobe, cheap dangling earrings.....and tooting on a dented trombone. No, it's not Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein, it's temptress Lainie Berman opening the big musical number in this crazy farce -- just a sample of What the Rabbi Saw.

Entertainer Lainie Berman (Lisa Kaake) lets it rip during the big musical scene.

The Rabbi also saw crazy guys swinging on ropes through the fantasy suite reserved for the wedding party members. He saw a gangster waving a gun, a wedding coordinator waving a riding crop, mother of the bride waving her finger, and her amorous husband waving his WOOOOO-nelly we need to keep this family appropriate. But no body parts were waved and it was all in clean fun in this fast moving slapstick comedy which rocked the house for six weeks to the awe of over seven hundred audience members.  Actually, this was the second time Cool Beans produced this show. You can read more about that by clicking here.

LtoR: Mother Kirschenbaum (Priscilla Ruddell), Mr. K (Steve Skelton), Wedding Coordinator (Jeff Roby), Best Man ala Tinker Belle (James Payne), Groom (Scott Culpepper and his knobby knees) and Wedding Entertainer Lainie Berman (Lisa Kaake).

We knew this was going to be The Milk Building's biggest blockbuster to-date when the set became a living monstrosity on its own. We took the idea of the family reserving a hotel suite as wedding ceremony "operations center" (but that wasn't bizarre enough for the warped mind of our director), and twisted it to father of the bride, Mr. Kirschenbaum (in his daffy nature) THINKING he had reserved a suite at The Waldorf, when actually his yellow paging ability put him in the hands of Wally's Fantasy Suites, Exit 11, Astoria New Jersey... an understandable mistake, especially to those of us at The Milk Building who often answer phone calls intended for The Milky Way or the MilkU Talent Agency.

LEFT: The Wedding Coordinator (Jeff Roby) interrogates the Bride (Pink Bailey) while the Bridesmaid (Nikki Hunter), in her festive navy dress with pink accessories (including the sneakers) stands frozen, much like the Groom (Scott Culpepper) and Best Man (James Payne), in tux jackets and colorful boxers.  RIGHT: Bridesmaid and Bride on the upper balcony awaiting hostage instructions.

With that established, we designed a set that appeared to be the center hall of a medieval castle complete with turret tower (and Rapunzel window), treacherous stone staircase, dead animal heads, suit of armor, large pointy swords, shields, and other dangerous weapon type things... AND two ceiling-rafter-mounted swinging ropes. Okay, it's a fantasy castle suite if it were designed by a 12-year old juvenile delinquent (take a bow, Mr. Culpepper). Also, a massive bed folded down out of a stone wall (...a PERVERTED juvenile delinquent) which had to accomodate four frolicking members of the wedding party in various stages of attire (read: pants usually missing). BUT WE KEPT THE ACTION CLEAN -- after all we ARE within two blocks of three different churches, and this IS Lebanon Indiana).

LEFT: Gangster Vinnie (Gordon Ayres) in one of his head-to-head moments with Lainie Berman (Lisa Kaake), and her breasts (Victoria's Secret). RIGHT: Vinnie (with gun) is suspicious of the pantless Best Man (James Payne) and Mr. K (Steve Skelton). Meanwhile Mrs. K (Priscilla Ruddell) trys to remember if she unplugged her curling iron.

The ropes came in handy when we needed to keep action moving across this huge stage (about 50 feet wide). But I came to realize that Scott just wanted a tax-deductible excuse to hang a couple large ropes from the ceiling. (Will he NEVER grow up?) Oh, and I didn't mention the wall placque that revolved to reveal a bondage equipment reserve, and an enormous double-door closet that held Charlie's Angels, partial cast from OZ, members of The Village People not currently incarcerated, a mariachi band, and a costume trunk on wheels the likes we haven't seen since the heyday of Ringling Brothers. And I haven't even started on the handicap scooter manned by the Rabbi and/or the Wedding Coordinator. Your father's simple variety show this ain't.

Gangster Vinnie is dumbfounded while we get a sneak peek of exiles from Oz hiding in the closet (as well they should). Steve seems to be really enjoying the Dorothy wig. James appears to be concentrating on which piece of headgear comes next. Scott is just hoping no one recognizes him through the blond Scarecrow locks.

The suite also had garage space for a lively bar cart that gets better mileage than the bosses Scion and holds enough liquor for the Rabbi, the Bride, the Wedding Conordinator (hey after a couple belts I bet you can't say it right either), the parents, the bellhops, and The Red Hatter Ladies Clubs of Westfield, Frankfort, Crawfordsville, Tunker, and Lebanon (which I happen to be an honorary member of -- I love it when the front row is full of red hats, purple boas and frisky attitudes).

LEFT: The groomsmen attempt to reinsert themselves into their tux pants, while stuck to the bride's dress (it's a long story - still unbelievable after hearing the explanation). RIGHT: The Wedding Coordinator (Jeff Roby) screaming directions from the turret window (that eye patch was responsible for several stairway stumbles).

The Rabbi was played by our longtime cast hostage....er, volunteer....Jerry Mauch. His reverent personality and calm demeanor (away from Pacer's games) made many people believe he really WAS a Jesuit man of the cloth. Unfortunately his cloth came from a defunct costume shop which he sued (he's really an attorney) and is stained with the sauce of stuffed olive pork burgers from the 106th Street Grill. All kidding aside Jerry is one of our most favorite victims...I mean cronies...make that CAST MEMBERS whom we depend upon and make ridiculous fun of. He has survived being cast as Movie Mogul D.W. DeWitt (Epic Proportions), Moses on the Mount (same), and What The Bellhop Saw (you'd think he would see this kind of abuse coming....). We're brainstorming a new production where he is a cosmic mole man living in a small compartment with evil sidekick, scaring the bejesus out of everybody....no wait, I was thinking of our last visit to him and his Mini Pincher in Zionsville.

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LEFT: The Rabbi trys his best to get SOMEBODY married in this mel'ee. RIGHT: The grand arrival of Lainie Berman and all her pink accessories, with Mr. K. assisting

(or was it "groping"?).

The wacky parents were played by Priscilla Ruddell and Steve Skelton, both veteran actors of various Indiana stages. We saw Priscilla as the nosey neighbor in TOTS surreal film noir stage production of The Bad Seed, so we knew she could handle the offbeat tone of our show. Plus she was in the first production of What The Rabbi Saw and Scott said he couldn't imagine anyone else playing mother of the bride, Edie Kirschenbaum.

Steve was a prominent character in a bar in Carmel.....NO, I meant in our previous show, Epic Proportions, AND he also was in the previous Cool Beans production of this show. Scott demanded Steve be recruited for this resurrection of What The Rabbi Saw. Both came through with flying colors. Steve was brave enough to sing our silly lyrics to a standard classic melody, and be the continuous target of fits and tantrums by Nikki, Pink and Lisa (all fits IN CHARACTER of course......<eyes rolling and whistling nervously>). Not to mention slipping in and out of assorted costumes.

CHER -- or would you believe Mr. K (Steve Skelton) in a fabulous sequin gown (see "apparel" section, Backstage store) and cheap Halloween hair....and cheaper vocals.

Priscilla succeeded in bringing to life our demands of emotional explosions by a distraught mother (maybe she's had practice) and even survived Scott's bouncing/spinning handgun choreography, without hurting anybody. We're keeping both Pris and Steve on our casting speed dial for future madcap adventures.

LEFT: Mother Kirschenbaum at her wit's end, with gun, threatening gangster Vinnie (dark suit) and her husband (snazzy powder blue vest). RIGHT: Groom and Best Man, still scheming, and still pantless.

Gordon Ayres wandered in our door one audition day and we said "this is our Vinnie!"  He has been in productions around Zionsville, had the perfect black gangster suit, could handle a prop pistol, and watched a lot of The Sopranos. When we put him together with our popular character actress regular, Lisa Kaake (and her loud outfits featuring special-order breasts) we had the perfect Vegas Gangster/Starlet couple. The simple-minded thug was constantly zinged by the sharp comments (and perfect comic timing) of the temptress Lainie Berman, made bigger than life in the six-inch stilletto pumps of the versatile Lisa. Together, they were the pivoting cog that kept the storyline fast moving and fun.

Pink Bailey and Nikki Hunter were hysterical as the dueling sisters, bride and bridesmaid. Though they didn't have to actually swing on the ropes (Pink had that balloon of a bridal gown, with train, to contend with) there WAS a momentary glimpse of Nikki dangling from a rope, as we came out of one of the quick black-outs (I'm still not sure how she got up there, but there is a mysterious footprint on the back of the jacket I wore). Both survived the mad dash chase scenes while running up stairs, across the set, from backstage right to backstage left dodging props, vehicles, tables, crew, Erica on headset picking up rotting oranges -- in dresses! Now you know why our blocking rehearsals were very much like BOOT CAMP.

The Bride has a few snorts to calm down (and she did...), here leaning against the Best Man, along with the Maid of Honor and Groom.

But NO ONE outdid the physical antics of the boys -- Scott and James, as the groom and best man. Not only did they swing from one side of the set to the other on those ropes, but it had to be timed where they crossed each other at the furthest downstage point (which by the way is OVER THE HEADS of the front row audience members -- you should have heard the Red Hatters squeal that night). And after jumping from the ropes they grabbed swords to fight a duel while the girls and parents were arguing. This is one of the early scenes that the Rabbi burst in on (and tried to keep a straight face). Later James had to throw oranges that Scott attempted to catch on a sword (that explains all the rotting oranges backstage), and throughout the story they were periodically climbing in and out of tux pants that were stuck to the wedding dress. They now qualify as acrobats and stuntmen.

Erica and Karla did double duty as backstage crew, costuming assistants, and walk-on bit parts that added to the comedy. Karla started the show as the hotel clerk answering Mr. K's phone call to book a suite, and Erica appeared several times as the able-bodied bellhop toting the monster costume trunk and getting stuck between Lainie and Mr. K's big kiss at the end of the musical number. Both were integral to the successful flow of this complicated physical comedy, along with the tech crew Jeremy Snokes, sound, and Ray Snoke, lights. Timing and group cooperation are the secrets to making a huge show like this work, and our team was the bestest!

The big wedding photo, along with Erica Hungerford, bellhop, and Karla Williams, hotel clerk, on the left side; and Ray Snoke, light operator, on the right side. (Not shown: Jeremy Snoke, sound operator, Kathie Criss, alterationist, Rick Goode, set builder, Brenda Culpepper, set decorator, and the family/friends who manned the front door and concession stand during every performance.)